A Camden Family Christmas...IN HELL!!!
by Joe Cloudheart
Summary: Annie Camden wishes she'd never been born and gets assigned a guardian angel. Wackiness ensues. And then I have dinosaurs chase her. Dinos + Camdens =fun for the whole twisted antisocial family!


A Very Camden Christmas...IN HELL!  
  
By Joe Cloudheart  
  
  
  
Once upon a Christmas dreary, Annie Camden was cleaning up her new house. Because her husband had invested in a life as the leader of a cult bent on world domination, they had all moved into yet another house that looked exactly like the other two identical houses they had already lost due to insanity and bazooka fire.   
  
But, fortunately for her, today had been fairly quiet. She had had lunch with Happy, because he was the only family member that really cared about her anymore. All she had to do was clean up the house. There was the usual wrapping paper spread over the floor, but in addition there were stacks of newspapers, clothes, garbage bags, mass piles of broken furniture from the debacle just the week before when Simon went around testing his new shiny hatchet, soda cans, a bunch of nun habits that Annie didn't even want to know the origins of, more newspapers, crumpled pornos, more garbage, videotapes, a couple of stolen dinosaur bones the size of a small car, license plates, street signs, more nun habits, more pornos, more newspapers, and a small echidna burrowing through one of the piles of crap that disappeared beneath the filth. Its quills had stopped Annie from throwing it out and it had been leaving slippery little surprises for months now. Most of the windows were boarded up, having long been broken by Simon and Matt. They liked to play hammer and shotput and javelin. The indoor version, that is.  
  
"Just look at all these horrible pornos!" she gasped, holding one up. "I'll have to burn all of them!" Hastily, she did so. Going upstairs she saw the ceiling changing shape, like Odo's people on Star Trek Deep Space Nine. It was odd, but Mary had been doing witchy things lately and had been honing her skills, so Annie didn't interfere lest she be turned into a mudskipper.  
  
"I hate this house!" she wailed.  
  
"Oh, what are you griping about now?!" moaned the RevCam, stepping to greet her from the top of the stairs. "It's always SOMEthing isn't it, Annie? My head hurts," he whined, mocking her. "The kids are evil, you're plotting to take over the world. Wah wah wah. Get a life, already."  
  
"I hate you. All of you. You're...you're...you're NOT EVEN CHRISTIAN anymoooooooore!" With that, she cried and wailed, cried and wailed. She blew her nose on a nearby curtain. A snake fell from the top of the curtain rod and she screamed.  
  
"Hey, don't disturb my snake!" yelled Mary from upstairs. "He needs damp and quiet!"  
  
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" wailed Annie.  
"Oh Christ, here come the waterworks..." said the RevCam. "Hey, does anyone have a bucket? Anyone?"  
  
"You even opened presents without me!" she complained. It had been no big deal, really. When asked what they wanted, the Camden kids had their lists. Simon had put on his "thoughtful" face and announced "I want...pot!"   
  
"Yeah, we're all really surprised," Lucy had said.  
  
On the big day, Annie received nothing. The RevCam had given some spellbooks to Mary, condoms for Matt, and Ruthie a shovel. Probably to shovel her crap somewhere else. Matt had given everyone "The Joy of Gay Sex" Mary made the house different colors magically. Simon had a flashback. Happy had pooped and peeded on the turkey dinner. Simon began to eat it anyway. Everyone else sloooowly backed out of the room.  
  
"I have the worst family on the face of the planet!" Annie wailed. Soon, all the kids had come out to watch Annie flip out.  
  
"Hey, what gives?" asked Lucy. "Im busy screwing my way into Harvard. I don't have time for this. Couldja keep it down?" A young man in a business suit and disshevelled hair and undone tie poked his head into the room.  
  
"Your mother is just going off for...some reason. I don't know. Would you like some money, Annie? Just shut your trap, already? Here, go buy yourself some porn..." The Rev began to root through his wallet.  
  
"I want the man I married!"   
  
"Yeah, well, that got boring. I'm still the same guy really. It's just that...I changed my mind about the whole doing good things."   
  
"But he's still the same instrusive shmuck he always was," Mary helpfully volunteered.  
  
"What's with your hair?" Matt asked her. "Who are you trying out for, Barbie?"  
  
"Who are you trying out for, Davy Jones from the Monkeys?" she shot back.  
  
"How'd you guess?" said Matt.  
  
"What about your sermons?" Annie wailed. "What about your job?"   
  
"I have a new job now. Jeez!" The Rev went back into his room to do nothing.  
  
"I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!" yelled Annie.  
  
Just then, something miraculous happened. The house and everyone in it became still as a heavenly light opened up from the ceiling. A man with very dense, curly brown hair and a skateboard came down out of the heavens.  
  
"Oh my God!" cried Annie. "Are you an angel?"  
  
"Dude, duh," said the angel. He had bright white wings and wore a tan shirt with some brown stripes and the Billabong symbol on the back.  
  
"But...you look like just a normal kid. Is that a disguise?"  
  
"No, I just died like, last week. Stinkin Puff Daddy took me out because I brought his pizza late. Anyway, hows it hangin?"  
  
"Are you really? I have an angel! I'm special!" She hugged her angel, who kind of squirmed.  
  
"Dude, okay already. Get off me, I just bought this." Kirk said, and his wings retracted so they weren't cramming his style.  
  
"So what's your name? And why are you here? Do I get to go to heaven because I'm a saint???"  
  
"Dude. You're like...one of those high strung people, huh? I'm Kirk. You know, like el capitan de la Iron Chef America. Dude, that show is so awesome. It has like motorcycles, and... "  
  
"Wait...so...are you here to take me away from my family or not? "   
  
"Duuuude," he said impatiently. "Duh. No. I'm here cuz you wished you'd never been born. So here goes."  
  
Kirk put his skateboard on the ground and urged Annie to get on it. He started skating and trippy lights went all over the place around them.  
  
"I know...it's totally like Sliders or that episode of Star Trek where they have to like get home or some shit..."  
  
"Where are we going?" asked Annie, bewildered.  
  
"Dude, for someone who's all into God and stuff, you're like totally not in the loop, ya know what I'm sayin? No, we're like gonna see how everyone would be if you'd never been born."  
  
A flash of light left them in the middle of Annie's living room.  
  
"Kay...so like...this is it." Kirk motioned with his hands. "Your life...if you never had it! Dunh dunh dunh!"  
  
Mary walked into the room. She couldn't see Annie. I know, lucky her...  
  
Annie caught on. "I don't understand," she said. "If I wasn't born, how could Mary have been?"  
  
"I dunno. Jeez, what am I, God or somethin? Just watch."  
  
Mary flipped through a book. The phone rang and she answered it.  
  
"Oh I know," Mary said. "It's so great. I'm the first person to ever receive a bionic body. It so wicked rules!"  
  
"Okay, we're done," announced Kirk the Angel, looking at his watch.  
  
"What? That didn't even make any sense!" Annie cried.  
  
"Dude, I don't make the rules..." And off they zipped to visit the RevCam.   
  
RevCam was at church. Walking down the hall, Annie noticed the tramp (who tried to kiss him...Kirk didn't see that episode so he, like I, doesn't know her name. Not that it matters, because, really, ew. Who would want to kiss that mug? Bleh!) who tried to steal her husband away!   
  
RevCam was dozing in his office.   
  
"So...what is his life like?" she asked Kirk.  
  
"Um...basically he just pretends to care. He sort of doesn't. He does snoop a lot, though."  
  
"Oh. Well, that's good."  
  
Just then, the tramp walked in. She had long dark hair and wore a business suit.  
  
"Can I help you...my child?" asked the Rev.   
  
"Why yes. I'm a sex addict. I need...help." She tossed her hair back.  
  
"Only one thing can help...and that is the Bible!" The RevCam took out the Bible and put it on the bottom of the part of the table with a shorter leg so it wouldn't wobble. Then, throwing off all the colorings that church kids had made of Jesus, the tramp got up on the desk and started stripping. Dance music blared out of nowhere, and for some reason, a cage dropped down from the ceiling. The room grew dark and almost magically, lights came out and danced across the room in circular patterns.  
  
"I must help the needy!" announced the RevCam and began to explore the tramp.  
  
"See, they're filming this," explained Kirk. "They do it for money on the side..."  
  
"What??! But he's a minister!"  
  
"Huh? Oh yeah, they just do that to funnel money to Switzerland. He'll probably be taking off from Glenoak any day now..."  
  
"Say my name, bitch!" the tramp said.  
  
"I don't like this!" Annie said between a cry. The angel got her on his skateboard and they took off again.  
  
Next, they were visiting the zoo. They stood in front of the monkey cage and the monkeys crawled about all over the rocks. Kirk laughed.  
  
"Why are we here?" asked Annie.  
  
"Huh? Oh, I'm sorry...I just wanted to see the monkeys," said Kirk. "Hee hee. Heh. Heh heh..." He laughed, and then got her on the skateboard again.  
  
Flash!  
  
A pristine environment surrounded them. Crystal water glasses on a long, white tablecloth and a ritzy ceiling with a chandoleir took up the space of the room. Annie looked lovingly on the dainty miniature unicorns decorating the mantelpiece.  
  
"Where are we, now?"  
  
"Matt's place."  
  
"Matt? How?"  
  
Matt walked in then, immaculately dressed in a tux. He walked over to the table and sipped some water. Just then, several agents entered the room.  
  
"Mr. President! We have urgent news!"  
  
"My son is the president??" asked an incredulous Annie.  
  
"Well, yeah. Technically it was illegal, but America had to decide between him and Bush, and Bush is like the only guy that makes your son look like Einstein."  
Matt addressed his Secret Service agents.   
  
"So is my harem ready?"  
  
"Yes, sir. But first you have to meet with the President of China."  
  
"Oh yeah. That guy really needs to loosen up. Maybe we should give him Detroit or something."  
  
"What? He's a terrible president!" Annie wailed. "And who gave birth to him and Mary?!"  
  
"Are you gonna be like, asking questions the whole trip?" asked the very put-out angel.  
  
Matt walked outside the room. Standing there were a dozen or so bodybuilder attendants.  
  
"Actually he kinda makes a good president," said Kirk the Angel. "He already made the entire world happy."  
  
"Why is that?"  
  
"He's with the Green Party."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"And he can read..."  
  
"Bush can't read?"  
  
"Well, yeah, but not at a fourth grade reading level..."  
  
"I don't believe any of this...it's so much!"  
  
Just then, a saber toothed tiger crashed through the wall of the white house.  
  
"It's another tiger!" someone shouted. Matt was rushed outside of the room. Several people shot at the tiger as it grew an exoskeleton and bullets bounced off of its genetically altered body. The tiger chomped several agents and then Matt slipped on a floor full of ice cream. The angel took Mary and they few out as the roof was torn from the ceiling by a burst of nuclear wind and several choppers flying overhead were fighting Godzilla as he rampaged lower downtown DC.  
  
Flash!  
  
"What was that?! All of that happened because I'd never been born??! HOW?!"  
  
"Dude, what am I, a computer? How would I know?" said Kirk. "All I know is that the ice cream was your fault but I don't know how. I guess I should have listened better when they told me all this stuff..."  
  
"You are the worst angel ever!"  
  
"Hey! Don't make me call God on you!"  
  
"Im sorry..." said Annie meekly. "It's just...I don't see how their lives are really any different because I'm not there. Shouldn't they be sad or...something?  
  
Kirk shrugged.   
  
"So where are we now?" Annie asked. Around them were some hills and some grazing pastures.  
  
"Simon's."  
  
Simon was riding a horse. He got off his horse and drank from a canteen. A truck drove up and Simon led them in the direction of a giant pool in the back. It was full of alligators.  
  
"So what is he doing here?"  
  
"Oh, he's part of a sideshow. You know, circus freak."  
  
Just then, Annie noticed that Simon actually had flippers for hands and seal whiskers growing from his face!   
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!" Simon yelled as he tripped and fell into the water. Alligators at once devoured him, in a gory and horrifyingly tissue-tearing manner.  
  
"Bummer," said Kirk.  
  
Annie looked bewildered. "Wait, why didn't that man help him? Who is he? Why is Simon here? Why..."  
  
Flash!  
  
"Dude, would you like a Mentos?" asked Kirk.  
  
"No, I would not like a Mentos! I want to know why Simon didn't just get out of the water!"  
  
"Dude, he had flipper hands. It was slippery."  
  
"I...I...I am so confused!"  
  
"He had flippers...instead of hands..." said Kirk speaking slowly.  
  
"I understand that part! WHY, though? This is all so pointless!"  
  
Flash!  
  
"Wait, why did you do that again?"  
  
"Oops. That was my bad. Here, I'll fix it."  
  
Flash!  
  
"Oops. No...sorry...I must not be using it right..."  
  
Flash! Flash! Flash!  
  
"Im getting dizzy!" Annie screeched.  
  
"Okay, I think I got it. We're at Ruthie's."  
  
Annie looked around her. Already they'd been to a Paleozoic jungle, the outskirts of Hong Kong, Margaret Thatcher's apartment, the stomach of a blue whale, and a tennis match between two alien beings that looked like Cardassians. The technology of heaven was truly strange.  
  
Now they were in another house. Large, thin curtains and sheets covering some furniture were hung throughout the house, giving it a haunted look. It was old and decrepit, and smelled of chickory. Vines trellised along the staircase.  
  
"Where are we?" Annie asked.  
  
"New Orleans," said Kirk.  
  
Ruthie revealed herself at the top of the staircase. She was dressed in Victoriana style garments. A little bit odd, perhaps...  
  
A blonde man in similar era clothing walked into the room and began to play a harpsichord. Another man, who looked like Brad Pitt, entered.  
  
"Hello, Father!" said Ruthie in an almost British accent. She walked down the stairs and over to Brad.  
  
"I've decided to join you," continued Ruthie. "Soon we shall all rule the world. Bloodthirst will rule and the mortals shall squirm!"  
  
"A toast to decadence!" said the blonde man and drank from a glass of wine.  
  
"To decadence!" the other two chanted.  
  
"A ha ha!" Ruthie laughed, and stabbed the blonde man with a dagger. "A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" The blonde man fell over and died.  
  
"Dude, wait, I thought he was a vampire and couldn't die," said Kirk. "Now I'M confused." He scratched his head. Ruthie danced across the room, laughing in synch with the Brad lookalike.  
  
"Now we shall rule all!"  
  
Just then, a saber tooth tiger broke through the wall and snarling, ran into the kitchen.   
  
"What...what..." stammered Ruthie.   
  
Just then, the roof blew off and Annie could see Godzilla breathing nuclear death rays at downtown New Orleans.   
  
"Blreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!" went Godzilla.  
  
Cries could be heard far off in the distance as the entire 19th century town was engulfed in fire.  
  
Flash!  
  
"None of that made any sense AT ALL!" screamed Annie.  
  
"Dude, don't blame me just cause your kids stink."  
  
"My kids do not stink! I just don't like any of the things they do and watch them like a hawk and intrude upon every aspect of their lives because I have none of my own!"  
  
"So...wait, huh?"  
  
"Oh, just send me home."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"That's the way it works. You show me, or you were supposed to show me, how miserable my kids would be without me, and my husband, but they aren't, and everything was just weird, and no one likes me!"  
  
"Maybe it has to do with the whole you-being-scary thing," said Kirk. "Oh well."  
  
"I'm not scary! They are! I just want everything to be like it used to, when I got to be as bitchy as I wanted and everyone just kept on smiling and nodding! So just take me home..."  
  
"I can't."  
  
"What do you mean?!"  
  
"You asked to not be born, so now...you aren't." Kirk gave her a strange 'what are you on?' look.  
  
"You're supposed to bring me back. That's the way it works!" she said, trying to convince him.  
  
"Whatever. You should really make up your mind."  
  
"And you still didn't tell me how my children were alive without me to..."  
  
Flash!  
  
Annie was in a parking lot in Glenoak. Kirk bent down to tie his shoes.   
  
"So I get to go home now?"  
  
"No, not really. We have to see George."  
  
"George? George who?"  
  
Just then, George Carlin walked out of the mini mart.  
  
"Hey, what is up, George?" said Kirk.  
  
"Kirk my man, hows it hangin?" George said, shaking Kirk's hand.  
  
"Need some advice, dude. If I were to get a 96 Mercedes Benz, do you think I could get a good deal?"  
  
"I dunno...the market right now is good and bad, depending on what exactly you're looking for. I think I can give you the number of my car dealer."  
  
"Yeah, I was gonna ask you about that."  
  
"Alright, well here it is," George said, writing it down. "You take it easy, and I'll see you on my next tour."  
  
"Take it easy, dude. Party on!"   
  
Flash!  
  
They were in another parking lot, somewhere...  
  
"I've had it!" Annie said. "You've completely ignored me this entire trip! Can't I speak to a real angel? Someone who really represents the glory of the Christ?"  
  
"Huh? Oh yeah, I meant to tell you before. The real truth about Jesus Christ is..." Just then Kirk's beeper went off. "Oops. Gotta motor. See ya!" And then he disappeared. Annie looked forlornly at the ground. Because she lived in a sunny area, it wasn't snowing and she was having a dusty Christmas. Dust swirled on the pavement. The wafting smell of garbage lifted through the air.  
  
She walked home, sadly. A motorcycle full of black leather-clad lesbians passed by her and sent her streaming into tears. Evil was rampant and everywhere!  
  
She walked into her house. All the kids were arguing. Simon was coloring on the TV again. Happy was peeing. Ruthie was attached to Mary's leg for some unknown reason. She wasn't hugging her, she'd been stapled on. It really was just another mystery that Christmas.   
  
"Oh, you're back. I hope you're happy. Everyone is in a bad mood now." Said the RevCam. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have world domination to plan..."  
  
"Well, at least he's not with a mistress," thought Annie. Simon rushed downstairs. "Hi, everyone! Merry Easter!"  
  
"It's Christmas, Simon!" said Lucy.   
  
Hey, wait a minute! She'd never found out what happened to Lucy! Well, that was a rippoff. What a stupid angel, she thought. But her faith had not diminished. Sure, she didn't get the angel of her choice, but she was sure that everything else she believed about heaven was right and no one could correct her because everything in the Bible was true and to be taken literally 100% and no one could possibly say otherwise and be taken seriously.  
  
"I found your present!" said Simon.  
  
"My present?" asked Mary.  
"Yeah, this stuff!" Simon said, holding up a bag.  
  
"That?!" exclaimed Mary. "You didn't mix that with anything blue, did you?"  
  
"Hmmmm..." said Simon. "Kinda..."  
  
"Everyone run!" said Mary.  
  
All of the Camdens rushed outside. Their third house exploded in a burst of light, like in Poltergeist, the first movie.  
  
"Simon! How could you?! My church bulletins!" cried Annie.  
  
"Hey, where's Happy?" Lucy asked. "And the twins?"  
  
"The twins are in the orphanage...I took them there this morning," said RevCam.   
  
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" screamed Annie. "My collection of ceramic chickens!!!!"  
  
"I have a ceramic unicorn back in my dorm, mom," offered Matt.  
  
"Shut up, Matt!" she snapped.  
  
"Don't tell him to shut up," said RevCam.   
  
"Where's Happy?" asked Lucy again.  
  
"There goes the..." began Simon "third house this year," the other siblings chorused.  
  
"Well I hope you're happy, Annie," said RevCam. "You've destroyed our brand new home." He seemed a bit persnickety.  
  
"Me? I didn't do this! Simon did! It's his fault!"  
  
"Well he wouldn't have done it if you had been SUPERVISING HIM!"  
  
"Oh, shut up! Why don't you just go and get a mistress! Im leaving you!"  
  
Just then, the Camdens looked up and saw Godzilla rampaging downtown Glenoak. The heat ray blew over all of them and then, as quickly as you can say Tokyo, a saber toothed tiger came crashing through the remnants of their house and turning its head, chomped on Annie all the way through. Chompy chomp chomp! The other Camdens looked on like wtf?  
  
And everyone lived differently ever after,   
  
The End. 


End file.
